When I Feel Lost

It’s not often that I get this sad or feel this lost, but recently I’ve been feeling both. I don’t feel like I fit in my job or my side gig. I don’t feel like I take advantage of my down time – and when I do, I feel guilty that I’m not doing something. I can’t seem to find a book I want to finish (though I am trying to read The Art of Racing in the Rain. But it’s already proving to be a tear jerker for me, so I  need to take it slow.) Yoga only takes the pain away during the hour I’m on my mat. I’ve finished a couple of my latest favorite shows – BH90210 and Four Weddings & A Funeral, so that helps. And only a tiny bit. 

But what is making me feel off, and want to share with you dear reader, is that I am so sad and scared and worried that I am going to lose one of the closest souls to me. And I feel more and more lost that her health is deteriorating. 

If you know me, you know I’ve been an animal supporter my entire life. And the second I purchased my own place and had the ability to adopt, I did. I adopted the purest and happiest soul in my cat, Bella. I even kept her shelter name because I didn’t want to confuse her and it fit her. 

In the last two years, she has been diagnosed with pancreatitis (which we cured), diabetes (which we regulate with insulin), and hyperthyroidism (which again, we regulate with medicine.) She also has early signs of kidney failure (which we give her a special diet for.) I know it sounds like a lot, but it’s not. Its just special food and two types of medicines. It’s what I accepted when I adopted an older (adult) cat 11 years ago and facing her her health issues has been a reality I’ve had to come to grips with in the last two years. 

However, in the last week, her eye sight has severely weakened. She’s quickly going blind. And it happened basically over night. She gets around the house ok most of the time, but she does get disoriented and frazzled a bit when I’m cleaning and I have to move her litter box temporarily or put a laundry basket down on the floor to make space. It’s hard to see her having difficulty maneuvering around things and bumping into items and walls that have been permanent staples in our home. And she just can’t see them.
The #manofmystery and I are trying to cope the best way possible. And oftentimes I find myself crying and unmotivated (especially at work.) Her next vet visit is on Monday, so I’m asking you for all the happiest of thoughts and to send the greatest juju her way. I need it. The #manofmystery needs it, and most importantly, our Baby Bella needs it. 

Her heart is way too kind and her spirit is way to loving to lose right now. I just can’t cope and I feel lost. XOXO (Just look at that sweet face and her lady like paws crossed.)


  1. Sally Contreras Mata

    September 20, 2019 at 6:02 pm

    I’m sorry you’re going through this Mel!! How old is Bella again if she was a Senior when you adopted her and have had her for 11 years?!?! That’s an amazing timeline to spend w/any senior pet!! What I had to take in consideration when we had to make a choice for our young at heart pup Stang 2 years ago was the following: how much pain, does he still eat on his own, does he still drink water on his own, does he still maintain a level of cleanliness on his own, is he still happy go lucky, can he still move about on his own and are there more good than bad days… all that outlines a decent picture of what your next humane step as the owner should do… it’s hard to let go of our furry children specially when they mean so much and give so much more of themselves to us no matter what is happening!

    1. Melissa Lane

      November 11, 2019 at 8:47 pm

      Thanks for your kind words, love!

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